Interview with Author Jeff Greene

Jeff Greene's shaggy dog story "Not For Sale" had some of the WLM editors laughing every time we read it, moving between history, pop culture, illustrative settings, and meaningful character description in an impressively short distance from start to finish. Read our interview with the author for more entertaining prose below.

Why write?  

I can’t help it.

Advice on creating you had to learn the hard way?  

This took me far too long to learn, but if you want to be good at something, you have to be bad at it for a long, long time. Writing is like driving or football or learning French or doing a backflip; the only way to get good is to do it a whole bunch. 

What's your favorite underappreciated novel or short story (a work you rarely hear anyone else talking about)? 

City of Bohane by Kevin Barry is an extraordinary piece of writing. In the same way that Trainspotting is written in a Glasgow accent with all the right vernacular, Barry writes this whole book in slang, but it’s the slang of a city that doesn’t exist, leaving the reader to figure it out for themselves. Once your ear tunes to it, it’s an addictive read. 

Do you have a favorite book that broke your brain a little (or a lot)? 

I read the equally horrible and hilarious Money: A Suicide Note by Martin Amis when I was in college, and it sent me to the moon. I had never seen the English language treated so poorly and so carefully. That was the first time I can ever remember reading something and thinking man, I wish I could do that. 

If you were a cryptid, where would you live?  

The mountains of British Columbia.

What other lit journals are you into right now (and what do you like about them)? I’ve recently fallen into McSweeny’s Internet Tendency, where you don’t have to look far to get a laugh. It gives me the same feeling as I get reading The Onion, that as deranged as things may appear, I’m not the only one feeling this way and at the very  least someone is trying to have a good time with it. 

Do you have imposter syndrome when you write? 

Of course I do, although I’m not sure if I’ve gotten enough published to even be called an imposter yet. More like I’m waiting at reception with my fake ID but still no one’s buying it. Sometimes it swings too far the other way, where I think I’ve actually written something magnificent, something important and so unique that only my specific experiences filtered exclusively through my brain could have possibly thought this up. Then I read it the next day, crumple it up and throw it in the fire where it belongs. 

Do you enjoy editing? Why or why not? 

I do not. I don’t have a brain for detail, and it has cost me greatly. Just ask any poor fool who has ever employed me.  

Have you written about food in a story before? If so, what food was it and why did it appear there? 

No but I would love to. There’s a scene in the movie Hook where they have a food fight with this Play-Doh looking swill all while shouting about how delicious it is. If I could write the feeling I get when I watch that scene, I’d bring home the Nobel Prize. 

When did you realize you were weird?

Later than I should have. 

What are you proud of but never get a chance to mention? 

My son has just started stacking cups. I’m not sure how impressive it is but it seems amazing and important somehow—you gotta see it!

What’s your favorite interview question? 

Honestly, I liked your cryptid question. I listed out the cryptids I knew and where they live. Mothman too urban, Loch Ness monster too wet and miserable. I’m not tough enough to be a Himalayan Yeti. Chupacabra had me considering life in the Mexican outback but ultimately, I had to go with the beauty of Sasquatch country. 

People often say you should write what you know. Do you do this, and if so, what is it that you know? 

I certainly try this. I’m an amateur boxer and have tried to work fight scenes into stuff I’m working on but inevitably it’s too boring and tied up in the nitty gritty and the fights go on for pages while I try to describe footwork and head movement and it’s very, very dull. Interestingly, in this story, “For Sale,” the teacher is my real life 5^th year English teacher who adored Tom Crean and held him up as everything everyone should aspire to be. When she wasn’t in for a few days, the substitute Mr. Nugent, did in fact let us watch 2 Fast 2 Furious twice and he let us call him The Nooge. 

What font do you detest?

When I was too young to confidently disagree with people older than me, I had a university magazine editor spend fifty minutes (fifty!) describing different times he had seen Comic Sans used inappropriately. After that, I try not to have too many opinions on fonts. I’ve seen where that hate can take you. I’ve seen the darkness. 

Favorite character name (yours or another’s)? 

I love character names as much as I’m terrible at writing them. Years ago, I wrote a (bad) novel where up until the final draft, I had characters with names like Tim Vincible and Vicky Turbo facing off against people with names like Dr. Sebastian Graft or in one particularly absurd and unreasonable case, Ichiban One Thousand! Recently I watched the film Megalopolis, which had characters with names like Wow Platinum and Caesar Catalina and I thought hell yeah, now these are my kinda names!

What is weird? 

Weird is punk rock. Weird is saying, I see how you’ve built your society and I can see that you haven’t actually reserved a space for me and I don’t care. I’m here. 

Two truths and a lie, please. 

I once high-fived Jackie Chan. I will take any opportunity to paint my face like a tiger. I always wanted to be six foot ten and now I am.

Thoughts about penguins? 

Huge, huge fan.

What’s the point of all this, really? 

When I was about seven, I asked my parents why we were alive and after a remarkably awkward pause, my mother said that we’re all here to have a bit of fun. I’ll always remember that and I think it’s formed a lot of who I am. 

Unpopular opinion, go: 

There is no food created in nature or by the hand of man that is not improved with peanut butter. 

Jeff Greene is an Irish writer, out of place in the sheep capital of Australia. He holds an English degree from Maynooth University in Ireland and has worked an extraordinary range of jobs, from doorman at a leopard print nightclub to political speech writer, with almost every other job on Earth attempted. He lives with his wonderful wife, his enormous son, and a sheepdog whose work ethic he hopes to one day emulate.